Happy New years and all that.....

First of all, may all of you have a wonderful year ahead.....

I have resigned myself to the fact that yes, I will be at the airport for new years.....again.....
Out of the last three years, our athletics nationals have been scheduled right at the beginning of the calendar year. So, inadvertently, on the 31st of december, 2004 and 2005, I have been sitting in the airport with the team, listening to music and eating pizza. I can't say it wasn't fun....
Last year, our flight went on the 2nd of Jan, so I went for a movie.
Tonight, I'll be back at the airport.
Picking up my dad, whose flight from Mumbai gets in at 11pm. It'll be midnight by the time he comes out I guess....
Happy new year, and god bless us, every one.

Back to creativity.

The assignment : paint peacock feathers on the blinds in kay's outhouse.

The medium : Fevicryl Acrylic paints

The design : my own.

The results:








Not bad. Not bad at all.

It's very therapeutic, doing this. Painting on walls. alone in a small room, just you and your music. Blending paints. Accidently spilling some on the floor and having trouble getting it off.
just you and the colours, into the music, and you think of nothing else. it's serenity. it's beautiful.
i've done it before. yin-yang signs on my wall. weird stuff on the floor tiles.
i'm getting finda into goth and fantasy art. i mean i need to get my hand loose again, re-learn how to draw human figures in a non-anime style.
lets see how it goes. maybe i'll put it up when i do it.

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.Vodka.

Back into boredom. I've been practically living at kay's house over the weekend. gotta go do some painting work n all....and i'm so sleepy.
sigh.
i love vodka. it's decided.
and yes, i seem to have a rather low tolerance for alcohol.
i had this one tiny glass of wine......which i didnt like much.....
and then one screwdriver.....rather strongish....which i did like.......a lot.....
yes, but then i got a bit woozy and my head started hurting.
really bad.
and then i got a bit sleepy.
but no, i didn't get all out drunk. i didn't slur, a didn't sing like a crazy person, and i definitely didn't walk funny. ok maybe i did walk *a bit* funny.
but no. i wasn't drunk.
i had complete control of my actions and what i said, and what i did.
so THERE.
and now i'm bored.

Of bhaiyyas and betterment.

yes, i'm better, i'm over it, i'm out of my emotions. completely happy. mat the bhaiyya today, it's amazing, i never realised how much i'd missed him till i saw him. spent an hour or two at his place, just talking. irritating silent guy. has this knack for telling my feelings too accurately.....
i'm all happy-happy now.
will be back soon with someting worth writing.

The Dark side of me.....

The darkest i've ever been through.
on my guard all the time. can't let the tears fall even though i want to, so much. can't let my hands tremble as i type. can't tell anyone except you.
you're my crutch, my support and i don't like it, one of these days i'll have to cast you away, cut away all the supports and stand on my own at last. but not now. later. tomorrow.
but today i have to put a smile on my face even though i'm shredded inside. can't let the tears flow, can't let myself go. have to step back over the line.
but there will be a day, i'll meet you and then i'll let go and the tears will flow. you don't know how much i need it, you don't see how much you help me, you don't know what you mean to me.......
i have to push you away.....
never been like this before, don't wanna be like this again.
disturbed. the whole house is disturbed. she says she'll take time to get over it, it's not that easy. he says don't let it get to you.
i'm so sorry, so sorry, i'm not just leaning on you right now, i'm falling on you, falling like never before, i'm crazy, psychotic, i wanna go away from it, i wanna be happy. why did i do it? why am i putting all this here fr all to see instead of in the book i bought for this purpose?
i dunno, maybe i want you to see, maybe this is the hand i'm reaching out with.
i don't know what's going on anymore......
the thoughts, the words, they're all just flowing......
i did the best, the longest and the fastest beach run today and i felt better, i felt it all flowing out me.....
felt the coffee flow into me.....i think it's doing this to me.....
why did i do it?
and now that i did it why can't i get over it?
i still don't get why it's so bad, i think, but i feel stained, i feel like i'm marked, what i've done has left scars which will take a million tears, a million beach runs and a million hugs to clear away.
i have to put on the mask of happiness, of the myst that i always am and have been.
i can't break.
just typing and typing, where are the words coming from, is it even helping???
i need you i think, i don't want to need you.
i'm so sorry. so sorry for all the pain i've caused you. so sorry for everything. i'm crying now, but no the tears can't flow and she cant see them, shouldnt se them nobody should.
i think i'm over the line.
this is bad.
i'm pathetic, i'm in self pity, i'm in the self centred thing, why is it always about me me me and my emotions??? i am not my emotions i nee to get out of this. i have to cut the cords i have to let it go away.
make it go away.
why why why can't i step away and leave the emotions and the scars behind?? yesterday i thought it would be so easy to let go but today it's hard, i don't wanna be like this. i don't wanna break i don't want to be weak.
i am not weak.
never ever call me that.
i want to be strong. the tears are going away. my hands type i don't know why. i shouldn't put this up but i know i will.
i have to stop typing.
i have to go away. the more i type the more i'll feel the self pity.
look at the world love, there's people out there in a worse condition than you and they're happy, you can be too.
it's all in your mind pick out the pieces, throw them away.
put it all together.
happiness is coming back.
i'm going to stop typing.
NOW!!!

The mess.

So here it is, my head's messed up like never before.........
too bad to even talk about.........
it's the overflow of yesterday's severe lonliness and todays severe anger and now the pathetic feeling and the...........something intangible or inexpressible.........
Don't worry about me, it'll go by tomorrow.....i hope.
I'm in trouble if it doesn't.

( a line has been edited out here by request of a someone.)

to aiman: thanks. you have no idea how much.

end of transmission. for today.

Lights on the water

On the beach, in the dark, moonlight firelight streetlight.......
flames and emotions flickering up
joy and sadness mingle and meld...
this isn't the beach as i know it.
this isn't the wet sand yeilding under my feet.....
no tiredness in my legs and the joy to be free...
this is the night beach,
writing by moonlight firelight lovelight
guitar strains and joyous squeals floating through the air....
letting it wash over me....
the laughter, the water.
the cold moonlight.
etching out my footprints on the wet sand.......
writing writing, line after line...
why am i so alone?
finally, she stops psychoanalysing, gets up and joins the fun.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I did end up having an insanely wonderful day.......
it was kay's 17th birthday and i was at her house the whole time........picked her up from tuts, then went to the mall to get her a new phone.....
W880i, beautiful slim black.....lucky creature.....me sprinting thru the mall to borders but sadly we were running late so i only had time to get one book (terry pratchett in case ur interested)...
then back into town to pick up nattu n mattu.........who came with his guitar (man he's in love with it, its like his jaanu, and he's self learning, how cool is that??)
hanging aorund at kay's house, opening her gift (from me, i gave her like 17 gifts, all in a nice huge box...)...laughing over the stuff i'd given her, shrieking "i can't wear this!!!!!"
laugh laugh laugh, lots of ass-kicking and hugs and kisses in all directions....
then off went kay and mattu for tuts, me and nats had a nice long walk and talk, i climbed a tree (i don't do that very often) and sat in it, feeling gooood inside....
then was beach barbeque thing at night and that's when i started feeling all alone alone.....met an old friend, talked to him (a bit too much i think), sat on the beach, moonlight firelight phonelight....
actually ate the chicken for once (i don't normally do that.....dyamn i've been missing out on a lot!!)
on the beach till like 11:30, talking, laughing, bickering......messaging (i wish you had called....it was the perfect time and the best place ever....) oh so sleepy, dozing with my head on ur knee, i'm so so sorry man, whatever must u think of me!
went a bit crazy in a way i like to associate with cats for some reason.....that was my mood yesterday.....
today i'm home and dry.......the cats are asleep and i can't find my breakfast.
there is study to be done, a call to be made and a movie to be watched.
then why am i here huh???

Things i never knew...........

An offhand internet remark led to an angry message to me, thus sending me into a blazing fury first thing in the morning of what was gonna be an absolutely wonderful day.
It's still gonna be a wonderful day, the morning's gone past....
huh, a friend was mad at me over a misunderstanding, and i was worked up and blazing mad, and mom was trying to help with the sage advice, how "this is why relationships suck" and "guys are like that and they can't handle pressure and even though they have tough exteriors they're all senti inside"
she's perfectly right, of course. sorry to the guys.

and then when i remained blazing mad she started telling me about these friends of hers in college and halfway through her story i realised something...........
mom never talks about her college friends.

i said as much and then she said that in any conversation its just about me and dad, always me and dad, so sooner or later mom just got used to it and stopped talking.....
you know, that kind of thing makes me feel really bad............
and then she started talking, really talking, about how everytime she switched schools she' lose track of all her friends because they had no internet that time, and no phone, and no one really bothered to keep in touch.....she had friends of course but no friendships as intense as what i have.....(until she met kay's mom, of course.....they met at haffkine insti, and coincidentially landed up as NRIs out here in muscat, and thus started a 22 year friendship that stuck no matter what.)

it was pretty darn sentimental. at times like this i really have no idea what to say......my mom's so beautiful sometimes.....and yet sometimes that beauty fades into anger, or a sad smile, or frustration, or something............

man.............i wish i could be aware of what i do and what i say to her...............
mom, i love you, always will.

Yet another untitled post.

So many things, so many things..................

My antidepressant boi, best friend and bhaiyya type guy is coming back.this week.damn i dunno what's up with him, first he just totally disappears from all our lives and goes away to chennai.and now i find out he's coming back.
:)
ahh, my heart's so not in the post right now, my hearts at the beach, in the dance, with the music, all crazy party party kind........

but there are things i had to say..........
at least....till i forgot them......
thru the fog, this is the only thing i recollect.

kay:
it's very very unnerving when you read my blog (regularly!!!) don't comment, and come to me demanding explanations about my posts the next day. like who i wanted the hug from. and why i posted the grind thing (i did that at your place btw.......after u got back frm the party)
i post for my own reasons.
sometimes i'm in weird crazy moods, on a totally different level, and so i will post weird stuff.
when i need a hug, i will post so. i will post things because i like the sound of it.
yes. that's about it.

i will be back when the brain starts working and my heart's in it. that would be....................tomorrow.

huh.

In waiting.

Holidays begin day after tomorrow.
stupid measly two-week winter breaks we get.....just because we're senior n stuff.....it's not like we study so much........
anyway, tomorrow will be the last day the 12th graders come to school so everyone's going crazy nostalgic, flashbulbs erupting in the corridoors, hugs kisses screams squeals of delight.........
i'm gonna miss you so much, etc etc.....
etc etc......
and then there's me wandering through the mess, a year and a grade below them, wanting to be a part of it (as of everything else) but so left out......
why oh why won't you look at me........its your last day here.........say bye...gimme a hug na?
sigh.
and then you'll all be lost to me forever....
maybe even kay......she looks so troubled these days.....dunno what it is....she'll tell me when she feels like it.
anyway....i had more to write....but i have to go........

I hate online convos when ppl try to con me............
hate it hate it hate it.
sigh.
please do NOT do this..............i really feel like ripping out my brain i'm that mad........

I'm living a lie?

Maybe i should start a journal..........
i did, once, but it was rather irritating.....
cause even then, i had this inability to verbalise my emotions..........
i think i still do..........
yeah but some things i never wrote anywhere.................i didn't want them to be true, didn't want to remember...........
still don't actually........
but yeah, maybe it would be a good idea to write it down instead of keeping it all inside........
and then someday i'll snap....as i've done oh-so-many times before....

Partaaaay.....

My friends so rock!!!!!
huh, they planned me a surprise bday party!!!
It was yesterday. we went bowling. after soooooooooooooooooo long!!! never mind that i bowled the crappiest game of my life, drank red bull (ooh........bad idea) and went myaad.....
never mind, never mind!
happy-happy-happy

it's the first time someone's done that for me!

and i totally did NOT know.....how BLONDE can i be???

actually it was kay's payback for the party i gave her last year.....ooh i louve you kay!!!
and sneh too, thank u soooo much!!

muah muah muah....

huh, now me has to go 4 tuts.
meanwhile, my cat's in heat again. she spends the day purring weirdly to herself. hmm....must get her spayed soon.
ugh. SO not lookin fwd to it.....

Shall we dance?

Dance is the voice of your soul.

Tango, rumba, and the unconventional but very sexy grind.

The most sensual dances ever.....

Movements that make you wanna bare your soul........lose control..........

Move with the music and get lost in the warmth of his body, as he throws you away and pulls you back into his arms

Saucy, sexy, sensual, intimate.

The sparks fly, the skirts whirl, the heels clack....

Lost in the intimacy with his hands on your hips and yours in his hair........

Move to the music, move with the beat, fingers enmeshed

Silent promises. wordless talks.

Your hips against his,entangled, entwined,

Anticipation, longing, wondering.......

I wish we could be like this forever......

My legs your hands, sweeping through the air....

In this game, there are no secrets......

I love you.

Shall we dance?

unfairness.

how come i've had a theoretically wonderful day but i'm still pissed?
how come you think she's hot huh??
how come (bloody bloody bloody) SHE gets to frikkin GRIND with you??
life is NOT fair with me.

A long post about various things

So it happens that my parents are out of town. my mom, for the weekend, my dad, for the day.
Some people would say.....whoooooo have a party man!!!!
but 1-my friends(?) (and sometimes me) are not really the rocking house party type...
and 2- i would prefer to rest my aching body.

yes,yes, it definitely aches......

I had that athletics meet (yday n today), which we were so not ready for......
so there was an insane three days of extreme workout....and weights... (not good......i think that totally screwed up my back) and then the meet starts and it was like it's jinxed.........
we lost most of the short distances....
my 200 m was screwed cuz i didn't hear the start (aaaaaaargh...)

and the relay, yeah, we won that, but it was a kinda depressing day cuz the under-16 girls lost theirs, so they might (just might) not be coming to nationals with us..................
damn......
on the brighter side, the u-19 guys won their relay (woooo you should see them run, it's bee-yootiful..............hehe, i love speed, did i ever mention?) so they'll be with us....
so good. and S is in the team. even better.
S is rather interesting.................he's got this.........i dunno, this silent insanity about him.........
people thought i'd kinda fallen for him.......
i hadn't....
i was just trying to get to know him, but you know what happens when i suddenly decide i wanna befriend people......
Disaster.
sigh.
so there it is.

hmmm, just waiting for the vacations to start, there's so much i need to do......
first on the list, i attack samara video and rent out all the movies i've wanted to watch but my old video rental din have some of them..........

1. The Matrix trilogy (yes-i-knoww-i-suck-i-know-i'm-a-pariah-just-stop-screaming!!!!)
2. Blade trilogy
3. Borat (see 1)
4. Scary movie series (see 1)
5. Maybe i'll hunt out some anime, a friend told me samara had sailor moon n stuff, and though i like the drawing style i've never really watched anime, so i'll go hunt it out.
6. Um........I will also attack the F.R.I.E.N.D.S shelf.....you see i don't have cable tv, so i haven't seen too much of friends, just what i watch when in mumbai, and on youtube....
7....um......dunno.......any suggestions?

hmm, i also want to properly work with the weights n stuff n build up my legs before january.....hah....and then go spend hours at borders..........and the beach..........alone.........bliss..........
sigh....................................

That place

I finally started reading Lolita. 5 days after i bought it. Do you know how hard that is, to keep myself away from a book that long? anyway, i waited. Because i knew that once Lolita was lodged in my head the physics would fly out.
So yesterday night, i read a few pages, and as i sifted through the writer's flowery language and the occasional french words which i'd forgotten,i knew i was in over my head........
This was one of those books that'd take me to the Place......
That space that's comfortable.....but also vulnerable.........
I've had a few books like that.....
Memoirs of a geisha...
Eleven Minutes...(this took me somewhere else altogether....wootwoot)
And now we have Lolita.
These aren't the books you can timepass-read at the dining table or at the dentist's office....
You need to relax and let go of everything.....and turn to the book.....
Preferably read it in one shot (ESPECIALLY if you're reading eleven minutes)
If you're lucky, you'll go to that place......
That place in your head that you'll never want to come out of..
That's the harder way to get there....
the hard way, read books.....sit, silent and searching for the emptiness in your head.....
the easy way?
Music.

Gaaah and aaargh

yes, that's how i'm feeling.
my head and my stomach are doing a wild tango.....
my mind has gone on vacation.......
and i'm stuck here trying to figure out what to do with my life.

My last exam's tomorrow, but that's not enough...................i have practicals directly after that...........and in the middle of the whole thing i have an athletics meet.....and we are so not ready to run!!

huh, and my mom's going off to dubai on the 6th, that's thursday morning.....she'll be back on saturday late night.
my dad will be here.
kay's parents won't.mom's going with them.to dubai.
so great.
so it's actually kay who's gonna have the problem, especially as she can't stay with me, she has to keep her dog company. so she wants me to stay with her at night.
sigh.
i don't know what i'll do.
sigh.
i did go to train yesterday......all it's left me with is an ache in the thighs and an inadequate feeling.and lots of international messages.