Monday, 3 August 2009

Aloneness, solitude and a skewed concept of Home.

Mom left yesterday so now it's just me.
Left here in solitude, aloneness and despondency.
I woke up at noon today, even then I had to drag myself out of bed because I really see no reason to wake up...I mean, what do I DO?

I don't know where to go, and I'm VERY lethargic. I guess I'll end up spending another day, laptop on stomach, reading Transmetropolitan.

Being alone is fine when I'm at home.
This doesn't feel like home.

Home is...
Home is where the heart is? Home is where you hang your hat?

With this whole city changem I'm a bit confused. See, I can call almost anyplace 'home'. I've called my classroom 'home' sometimes. I've used the words 'Let's go home' to refer to hotels over India, and once, I'm sure, even a tent in Manali was 'home' last year.
In Bombay, 'home' can be anywhere. Home is wherever I'm staying the night. We don't have a house in Bombay. When on vacation here, my parents and I shuttle between my paternal family home in Sion and my maternal home in Kandivili. Now that mom's left, I'm staying with my aunt, in Matunga.
Still, Even if I call it 'home', even if the aunt keeps saying 'treat it like home', it's not. Sure, I won't ask for permission before I raid the fridge or turn on the TV or anything, but it doesn't feel like home (yet) somehow.
Home is...I guess home is where I'm comfortable. WHere I can live like I want to, where I can be angry or sad, maybe scream or cry and not feel bad about it. Where there's someone to rant to.
Where my cats are.
I think I'm losing how it feels to live with two cats in the house, and I hate that. I don't want to forget what that's like, living with (albiet emo-tyrant) cats.

All I want...i guess, is a sense of home, something that says, I belong here. In this house. With these people who understand me.

That's gonna take a while.


Anonymous said...

it'll come, get used to the place a bit :)

Espèra said...

I know what you mean. About home. I've called hotel rooms home too. Called people's places I'm staying in, home.
I suppose it's the people who make up the Home part of a house. Or cats in your case.

Misanthropist said...

The things in life we take so much for granted when we have them..home,certainly one of them.

VIDYA said...

I totally agree with misanthropist.
No reason to feel blue,Mystique,just flip through the images of "home" in your mind,sing a familiar tune ,or dial those numbers!:)
I know the feeling.I haven't lived in one city for a period longer than a few years since I was born.I've shuttled between suburbs,hostel rooms,cities ,schools and apartments.Now,everything is a familiar memory,nothing more nothing less.I wish I could learn to be more detached though...:( :|

The Dude said...

heh, you just jumped up in my books with that on your reading list! :D

Yes, home is where the heart is, but in life seldom are you and your heart ever in the same place.

Home however can be wherever you make it, and change is an inevitability.. the more you grow up, the more you realise that in some ways things will get left behind - if you want to remember them badly enough, you will - and memory is what matters.
If you can make the effort to ensure that you dont forget a thing, or if you just flat out cant, there is a love there no one can touch and so (sounding cheesy as hell here..) your home and heart is at the end of the day in you wherever it is you go..

after all, its like in V for Vendetta (for lack of a better example on my mind at the moment), all you have is an inch.. thats what this is.. its what makes you, you - and not one of the herd..

Jack said...


One has to adapt to changing circumstances. Try to put your heart in this place and adjust as fast as you can because it will be for your peace of mind only.

Take care

Akshaya said...

Hey..its been a long time..remember me? My Crappy sim has been barred frm all outgoin calls nd am cut frm all civilisation till i manage to get a new one...anyway jst read ur blog afta a very long time...felt good...:-)... So afta all dat bby is to you...home is still missed!! Yup...dat comes ova me a lot too ...especially wen ur in a place like aint easy here..far frm dat but its new..dat counts 4 something...a wierd sense of ...independence...or something of dat sort...anyway will msg once i get a new no...keep in touch... Luv ya!!

Mystique said...

2 Ki: yeahh....

2 espera: lol. true.

2 misanthrope : right y'are....

2 vidya: wow, i canNot image what that's like!

2 the Dude: yay!! and wow. deep. and true.

2 Jack: yes, o wise one.

2 Aksh: wow, yeah i wondered where you'd disappeared.... more than home, i miss my mom, i guess. and the...i dunno, the homey feeling. I DO love the city very much though....

Satanic Angel said...

am missing home biiig time rite nw is all i know:(