Thursday, 24 July 2008

The greatest fear that was.

I had this fear, a fear of losing my self, my being, the whole persona, freedom, the way I look and the free-spirit way I think.
Maybe you can call it a fear of getting old, because as I age, somehow someday I'll lose it all. A desperate, clawing need to hang on tightly to what I am now, stay like this forever......

But then last week, I remembered an old box.....found it, dusted it off, and uncovered 4 year's worth of memories. Pulled out the latest, a diary I'd written in 9th grade, and in its colourfully inked happenings I saw....well, a stupid kid. A kid who cared too much about all the wrong things, a kid who didn't THINK at all! More happenings, events, kiddish excitement. OMG this and OMG that.(I still have the excitement.)
But by God I'd changed, and you know what, I liked it. I liked what I saw in the mirror now, I liked myself a little better, okay, much better, than I liked the girl who'd written in that book.
I'd kinda lost a whole self. Gradually,like cats shed their fur, like snakes shed skin, scales dropped off, rubbed of, and I'm reborn from the ashes.
And even in 9th, wasn't that my greatest fear? Losing my self?
And I'd never even noticed. So painless. Kinda like an injection, you know, you're waiting, cringing, dreading, anticipating the needle into your skin, and then suddelny they tell you, it's over....and you go "wha'?? when??"
So I think it makes sense to drop that irrational phobia now....
I guess change is inevitable, what we define is its direction.

8 comments:

♥bμşγ-ŵŗϊŧēŕ♥ said...

:)

i really don't know what to say to this. i feel the same way bout myself too when i read stuff that i'd written some years ago, or think back.
guess tis all part of life!

now dont we sound older or what!?

hehe, nicely put.

The Snitch said...

Change is inevitable, I think. When I sometimes go back and read my old blog posts, I realise how stupid I was. How I used to get upset about small things and how I've become harder now. I guess we always change for the better, and we have to change, because we can't remain careless adolescents always. Life wouldn't let us be like that.

. said...

You're telling me you're 16?

Ashmita said...

Well said.

taurius1 said...

I used to worry about changing too...
About a couple of years ago, I realised that I was was worried about changing myself for others. I realised that staying the same was pretty impossible and a gradual change of who I am was inevitable, considering that every new day brings new experiences and introspective conclusions about life... At the end of the day, I'm happy with how it's happened, and the way I am. And I'm glad you like who you are, even after you see how much you've changed over the years. ^_^

Mystique said...

2 mon: true true.

2 snitch: float with life...kinda thing...

2 . (formerly art): so, how old do YOU think I am? opinions vary between 14 and 18. so what's yours?

2 ash: merci.

2 taurius: kinda same thing here. I like me now.

freudian slip said...

I for once, pai will agree. I mean i found most of the pieces id been oh so proud of so much time ago,

yeah, not so good.

but hey, atleast i noe that the catcrap i spew right now is better, and while its still catcrap, i still can improve.

. said...

Rhetorical question.