I love love. I love what it does to people. Like him and her. Like my cynic and his girlfriend. Like V. (I even had to shorten her nickname. I really don't want an hour-long conversation about "why, why why why why must you do this to me)
I love what it does to people's faces, V with that face-splitting grin, Wheelie with that smile I once saw on her face....Sid when he talks about his girl, Rushi when he talks about Di, how their faces all light up with something beautiful and indescribable. How people refuse to see the faults in the other, how V cribs and complains when we tease her Boo.
I can see the smiles when they talk. Even if they're not in front of me. Even if it's an online chat.
I think I miss it, love.
I've been in love. I'm sure I smiled till my lips nearly tore. I know how happy I was, on the beach, singing, laughing, listening. I remember how I'd always hear "He's a jerk" and I'd always say "Of course he is!" (well, you are. still.).
I've seen...when people say "I love you", it seems to take something out of them. Like it's a big deal. Like it's a piece of their soul. It's never been like that for me. I say "I love you" a lot. To Kay, mom, Sneh, Rushi, Ani, Jan, Vagi, everyone. I throw the words around like chocolate wrappers. But I mean them. I do. I feel the love coursing though my veins. It's intense.
I was in love, yes, and I ruined it. I miss it. Being in love. Being loved. Not him, of course, I'll never miss him that way. He's always there. Always. What I miss, try to understand, is the feeling. The feeling I see on everyone's faces. The feeling that feels like the rest of this unfair world doesn't exist.
And the emptiness I sometimes feel when I see love, nothing seems to fill.