The Dark side of me.....

The darkest i've ever been through.
on my guard all the time. can't let the tears fall even though i want to, so much. can't let my hands tremble as i type. can't tell anyone except you.
you're my crutch, my support and i don't like it, one of these days i'll have to cast you away, cut away all the supports and stand on my own at last. but not now. later. tomorrow.
but today i have to put a smile on my face even though i'm shredded inside. can't let the tears flow, can't let myself go. have to step back over the line.
but there will be a day, i'll meet you and then i'll let go and the tears will flow. you don't know how much i need it, you don't see how much you help me, you don't know what you mean to me.......
i have to push you away.....
never been like this before, don't wanna be like this again.
disturbed. the whole house is disturbed. she says she'll take time to get over it, it's not that easy. he says don't let it get to you.
i'm so sorry, so sorry, i'm not just leaning on you right now, i'm falling on you, falling like never before, i'm crazy, psychotic, i wanna go away from it, i wanna be happy. why did i do it? why am i putting all this here fr all to see instead of in the book i bought for this purpose?
i dunno, maybe i want you to see, maybe this is the hand i'm reaching out with.
i don't know what's going on anymore......
the thoughts, the words, they're all just flowing......
i did the best, the longest and the fastest beach run today and i felt better, i felt it all flowing out me.....
felt the coffee flow into me.....i think it's doing this to me.....
why did i do it?
and now that i did it why can't i get over it?
i still don't get why it's so bad, i think, but i feel stained, i feel like i'm marked, what i've done has left scars which will take a million tears, a million beach runs and a million hugs to clear away.
i have to put on the mask of happiness, of the myst that i always am and have been.
i can't break.
just typing and typing, where are the words coming from, is it even helping???
i need you i think, i don't want to need you.
i'm so sorry. so sorry for all the pain i've caused you. so sorry for everything. i'm crying now, but no the tears can't flow and she cant see them, shouldnt se them nobody should.
i think i'm over the line.
this is bad.
i'm pathetic, i'm in self pity, i'm in the self centred thing, why is it always about me me me and my emotions??? i am not my emotions i nee to get out of this. i have to cut the cords i have to let it go away.
make it go away.
why why why can't i step away and leave the emotions and the scars behind?? yesterday i thought it would be so easy to let go but today it's hard, i don't wanna be like this. i don't wanna break i don't want to be weak.
i am not weak.
never ever call me that.
i want to be strong. the tears are going away. my hands type i don't know why. i shouldn't put this up but i know i will.
i have to stop typing.
i have to go away. the more i type the more i'll feel the self pity.
look at the world love, there's people out there in a worse condition than you and they're happy, you can be too.
it's all in your mind pick out the pieces, throw them away.
put it all together.
happiness is coming back.
i'm going to stop typing.
NOW!!!