"Open Wide"

It never appealed to me, dentistry. Terrible job to do, looking into someone's mouth and scraping away the remains of their teeth as the smell of what they ate last wafts over your face. Ick.

And no, the dentist's chair never appealed to me either. It's a nice chair and all, a chaise longue, which, if circumstances were different, I'd happily fall asleep in, but no, this chaise has an irritant half-table thing with suspicious instruments attached.

I've always had that thing about the chair. Ever since I had to have some 3 extractions (crowded teeth, that wasn't the last of it) a few years ago, I've always kinda disliked the chair. Maybe it's something about holding my mouth open for long periods of time while someone (thankfully not a stranger, both the dentist's I've gone to are family friends) probes and pokes around my teeth with pointy objects.
And what I never want to hear from my dentist after she peers in my mouth : Baap-rey!
Shit. I resign myself to long hours of getting to know the chaise .

Filling #1. The probing begins. Scrape-scrape with my least favourite pointy thing.Observes a molar nearly out of sight, tch-thc. Suspicious object approaches mouth.
At this point I decide to put headphones in and lose myself in the music. Or at least TRY to relax.
Suspicious object enters mouth, touches tooth and starts horrendous drilling sound that all but drowns out the music. Not a pretty sound. Not a pretty feeling.I try to lose track of time as music and drilling fills my ears.
Over? good. I feel around with my tongue....Gaaaaaaaaah!!! Huge hole in my tooth!!

Proceed. She shoves cylindrical cotton things in my mouth, under my tongue, probes around with two mirrors and a suction thing and then goes on to fill in the hole she's just created.

Finally, it is all over. We then take a look at the casts she's made of my teeth. (NEVER wanna go thorugh that again. total suffocation.) I look glumly at the casts, pushing at the misshapen tooth alignment with my fingers, assessing what must go where....
Braces will come on in march. And stay for at least a year. Before that, I'll need two more fillings and then the obligatory four extractions.

Yup, I'm gonna know every inch of thatchaise

Various things

I walked home from tuition today.....kinda wanted to be with my thoughts.
They weren't helping, they were just killing me even more than usual.......

I hate hurting people. Even if it is unknowingly. I kinda suffer with them. And yeah, I know exactly how it feels. So these thoughts, they were telling me I needed to curl up somewhere....
And I'm really bad with apologies. I try, but hurts don't heal fast. I try, but it just makes it worse. So I'm gonna leave it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cat is now spayed. And she's not at all happy about it. I thought I could carry her back from the vet's in a blanket......But she peed on my shirt.
Ick.
and struggled. and growled (!) and yowled.
So i had to get a nice box-carrier and take her home like that.
Very edgy, keeps running away.
Stoopid girl.

Afloat in my mind
Remniscence of songs long forgotten
Fragments of dreams not yet dreamt
Power of dance
Sinuous lines, a picture incomplete
Words thrown together to please me
Eternal, two souls locked together
Wild sexy gothic tango
Sheen of red silk and black hair
One quick motion
her dark blood, so red on her pale skin
mingles and melts into the rain
And so it ends.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

wha' the heck??
hmm.... I throw word together....because i like how they sound that way....
my mind's a blur, that half-forgotten tune in the background, red silk everywhere...
there's a dance.....in some forgotten place.....with roses...the kind with a lot of thorns, I remember....
And then there is the blood washed away with the rain (so fascinated by that line....by that image, really)
But I don't know whose blood it is.

I hate you guys with narrow minds and stupid attitudes.

No, not all guys, just you people.
You people who think so narrow mindedly. You people who think girly physical contact is taboo (no, i don't care if you're joking, I do not like it.) but still end up wrestling like heck with your guy-pals.
Put it this way to you........
I'm a girl. I get lonely. And I'm Kinda tactile-oversensitive and all. Which means I like physical contact. I like hugs. Not the girly kind, the kind where you don't even touch,the air-kiss thing, i like hard hugs.you people do NOT know how to hug.
so yes, when I'm lonely, I need hugs. I will take hugs. Since the people I actually want to hug aren't around, and you guys.....well I'm not that close to you.....so, I will hug the girls. I will hold them. from the back, like, and I will rest my head on their shoulder and talk to you. They don't seem to mind it, do they?
Then why do you?
And so, knowing that it gets me pretty pissed and will make me go all sulky for a while, don't ever EVER call my habit of hugging my friends as lesbian. Ok? they're just standbys for the ones i actually want to hug.
I'm straight. Ok?
Good. Do not call me that.

How do you want to die?

That was my question of the day: How do you wish to die?
It elicited a lot of amusing answers.....
The guy who triggered it off said he wanted to sleep with someone who'd stab him while he was asleep...ish.
Sri n Noop would prefer natural death.Deep guy wanted free fall.Another guy wanted to be shot. with an AK-47.Morbid people i tell ya.....
Sneh....She wants to expose her soul to the one she loves.....and then just die.Our chem teacher would like to be with her whole family and then have a heart attack and die.
As for me..............I don't know.

I don't know exactly how i wish to die...But I do know two things.
First, I want certain things out of my life, I won't let myself die till I've done all of them.
Second......I'd like to die happy. Very happy. Blissful.And suddenly. No long-drawn illnesses leading to death. If I'm terminally sick, I'll fight it. Like hell.
A sudden death....Maybe an accident. But no, I'd like to be in total control of everything in my life. Even my death. So, no accident.
It would be wonderful to die.....somewhere beautiful....against the sun setting on the horizon of my life.In near-perfect serenity and solitude, in the arms of the one I love the most. Gazing at the sunset. And as the sun goes out, so does my life.Holding the hand of my love.
Yeah I know, I'm a total romantic at heart. Even though I try not to be.

I wonder what happens after death....damn I REALLY want to know....
If I could choose an afterlife, I'd like to be in a bookstore....with every book ever published...And it'd be on the beach and ave at least one glass wall, so I could watch the sunset. And of course a Starbucks. And an iPod, with all the music in eternity, past present and future....and a LCD tv, with all the movies ever made.....Yes, I'd like that....

I think I've mentioned the bookstore before, anyway.

So my question to you....and I'd like it answered....
How would you like to die?
And what would you expect to happen to you after your death?

It's Raining men..........

See this city is SO not equipped for rain!!
By mumbai standards, this'd be a drizzle....but for here it's pretty good......
so we made our way to school over the semi-flooded roads.....and the field, it was like soup, muck, totally ruined......and the timing couldn't be worse, our much postponed Sports Day was to be today evening!!
bwahah.
So we make our way to school, and then we hear the announcement that today is unofficially a holiday.
Rowdy as we are, screaming, pushing and being total kids, we make our way to the vast expanse of muck separating the D block and the main gate of school, we proceed to cross it, getting stuck in the muck evry five minutes, and we get very very wet.
tee hee. days like this don't come very often.

hmm.... i'm semi pissed because i have nothing to write about other than my own life. which isn't all that interesting or anything.........
should i talk about sneh, who's a brilliant poetess-child, but doesn't want to share, and doesn't trust anyone with her innermost thoughts?
Should i talk about the deep guy, who has two sides to him......
What should i say........

My journal is not going too well......it was good in the beginning, but now, i generally tend to gravitate towards the blog when i want to write. not good.
still. i keep it up, i shall not be obliged to write in it......

I try not to think about the fact that kay'll be gone by april......i've known her for 16 years, and she's always been there......and i've always been there for her, even when she didn't want me......through everything......
and i know her inside out.....but she doesn't know me at all.....or so i like to think.....
it gives me my security, kinda thing, to know that there's no-one who completely knows me.....
is there anyone who claims they do?

Why only in physics, huh????

Oh, I like physics. It's good, interesting, and yes, i have to study it to pass 11th grade.....
But no, we seem to have a problem here....
I've been observing it.....it's not good....
The teacher comes in....and there's me, at the back, sitting there with all good intentions to learn the subject.....
He starts to teach........I start to listen....
and then it starts.
A dull, throbbing, BAD ache, between my eyebrows it starts, and then it radiates out into my whole head......i can no longer hear....the teacher's voice merely buzzes in my ears.....I find that i can no longer see what's on the board....I can see beaches and sunsets and weird things that I shouldn't be seeing.......Hmm.....
Why, I wonder.....
then I open my eyes.....
*Oh shit, were they shut?????*
oh shit oh shit.
and then sometimes i hear the teacher's voice saying, " so yes, myst do tell me what will be the heat taken in by this?"
and then the cold rush of something in my head......
And so it begins.
the long and laborious cycle of me trying to stay awake in physics.
Why, why why????

Tired.

No, really.
I can't move....I must be very out of shape.
Whoever had the idea of having the class picnic on the beach was a genius....
It was the perfect place...
for fun as well as serenity.......
And Rugby, and bone aches, and muscle cramps and cut feet.....
But yeah, the rugby was fun.....
and the rest of it too....and we managed to polish off 10 large pizzas among us, and then we got tired, and Sneh went off to enjoy nature and was rudely interrupted, I went off to have a long deep conversation with a friend who i don't often get to talk to....
and yeah, it was one of those conversations, you wish they'd last a lifetime........
Damn the guy's deep.........and what he said, it made sense....
yeah I love the beach......It's the closest thing i've experienced to infinity.....
Basically we had a blast...running around on dry sand (kills the legs)....trying out wild stunts involving swings and human pyramids, deep thoughts, kho kho....watching a little love story unfold before our eyes....
and yeah......
we bonded. totally.
the repercussions of all the fun being:
I slept for 14 hours straight, woke up for lunch today......
and yeah, it hurts when I move.
Very much out of shape.

What is fucking wrong with Mumbai??

I don't generally read the news, because I claim it depresses me. I was actually gonna start again, but I don't think I'll bother.

Ok, First I link you to Rushi who's angrier about it than I am, and with good reason, he lives in Mumbai, he knows about the whole new year molestation thing......

Also linking you to Annie Zaidi's post dated 2 jan.

These Mumbai Molestations......I heard about it from a friend, she told me about these two ladies who'd been molested by some 80 men on their way back from a new year party.....and it still didn't hit me then. It's hit me now, when I heard the anger in Rushi's voice.

A lot of people (including me) live in a dream, in a beautiful bubble which says Mumbai's really safe, Mumbai's friendly......sometimes you have to live in your bubble if you don't want to be looking over your shoulder all the time.....

Well, pop your bubble, ladies and gents....that up there, that's the ugly side of Amchi Mumbai. That is the exact reason why we're living in the bubble.

I've never been molested (thank-god-touchwood-may-it-never-ever-happen) but I have been touched (pinched, actually, on my butt) and I remember the look the guy gave me, as he walked off.....he was smiling, the hard cold smile you give when you know the other person is helpless.....

and damn was I helpless.....I still regret not hitting the guy then and there. It wasn't even in mumbai dammit, it was in Bhopal I think, at a stadium. And the guy was a student. A student! Hardly 18!

And it wasn't just him, it was a lot of these shifty guys, just looking, and something in their looks made us slowly shift our position and go warm up somehwere else. And this when we were covered from head to toe.

But here it is, this is the ugly side of Mumbai, and all men, believe me. According to Hindustan Times (I read it in Rushi's post) aome 60% of Indian men feel that if women wear provocative clothes they're practically asking for molestation.

Bings back memories of some child rape case I'd read about last year, This 10 year old girl in England was raped, I can't remember the sentence given to the rapist (it was peanuts) but I kinda remember what the judge said.....he said, the girl didn't look 10, she was wearing clothes too old for her age, she looked about 14......

Right.you call that an excuse? YOU CALL THAT A FUCKING EXCUSE??you're supposed to be THE LAW dammit, and if the lae's this bad, how bad are the people???

So, what, must we women always be looking behind us as we walk? Must we be always in fear of the men, those people who think they own us?

Me, I get the good end, it ain't that bad here, even though there are always taxis crowded below my building and I always get the "Ello 'ow are you"s and the looks from the Omani football guys when I do my beach run (But just maybe it is a point that a 16 year old running in shorts in a Muslim prevalent country is a slight oddity. But there isn't any law preventing shorts on the beach.)

Oh isn't this great! I'm on about six sites now, very pissed, looking for hindustan times Mumbai edition. I chance upon Delhi edition for today, what do i see on the front page?

"Woman Molested In Gurgaon Mall"

Brilliant. It's everywhere, It's frikkin everywhere.

What is it, this THING that makes men go crazy, that makes them stare at women, even the ones who're not pretty, even the ones with no figure (me.).....and not just stare. Follow. Catcall. Like my mom told me about. After the guys following her in Mumbai, even now, more than a decade later, she's still paranoid on the street if there's someone behind her.

Not just stare. More. touch. grope in crowds.

Why do you, you men, why do you feel that women are your.........things? Things, I tell you. All this women injustice thing is rushing into my head now.......

Of course, it's not all men, some of you are nice guys, some of you actually love women for what they are, some of you see women as equals.....not all of you though.

Not the student boys who say :

"Girls should not party or drink. The ones who do cannot be decent. Girls cannot be boys. They have to stay at home. After all, they have to get married."

I have no words to this. Just shock.

Not the other Mumbai student who says:

"Girls who wear tight revealing clothes, hang out with boys and like to party are inviting trouble.Our society allows boys freedom"

More shock.

Not the ones that put anonymous comments on blanknoise.com saying:

"Looking a crime!!! Well well well thats why India's a sexually repressed country. It my eyes...I deceide where to look. The blogger needs to see a psychologist."

No, looking's not a crime, but you see you don't know how much damamge that one lecherous look can do to us.

Not another MCP commenter on BlankNoise who says:

"Hi Folks, i am feeling sad on hearing this kind of time wasting time activity. I am very concerned about the dress sense of the gals.. there is lot of skin showing.. thats provokes guys to stare at them.. First gals u change ur so called attitude then think of other things ok. I hope u people have some maturity to think over it... Thx Goudse"

Not the judge who thinks it's okay to rape a 10 year old if she looks 14.

I'm ashamed to be a part of the same race that thinks this. really.

And we thought humans were advanced. Really, now?

What you don't see is the guilt that comes after you do all this. The mind doesn't let go of such things very easily. THe mind feels filthy.It wants to purge itself. The mind keeps replaying it, on and on, doesn't let you forget.....why was it you, dammit, why?

I can go on forever, honestly, I can.

But I'll stop. There's a lot to say.But............who's listening?

Shit!!! Resolutions!!

Aah, dammit. Is there any point even making these??
Nope. I keep making all these unrealistic resolutions and then failing to stick to them. Not good.
But here's three things I absolutely HAVE to do in 2008.....

1. Love myself.
2. Find happiness or at least a path to it.
3. Above 85% in all subjects, else i get my tiny ass royally kicked when I send out college applications in December. No matter that I'm shifting streams.
4. Get braces. Fix the tooth alignment. Fast.
5. Increase weight, do regular workout.

Hm........that's not three.........
But yes, that is what I must do.
So there.